Decision Made

For a long time I thought I would never have kids. Jamie and I talked about it but it never seemed like an important thing to do. Shortly after our wedding, we were really preoccupied with jump-starting our careers, settling into life in Calgary and buying a house. For years our home felt really good as just the two of us.
I can't say exactly when it happened but one night I was babysitting for my friend. Her little ones were maybe 2 and half and 3 months old. After an easy evening, I put the children down for the night and escaped to the TV room for some random channel surfing. While on the couch, I noticed the screen saver on her monitor kept changing every few seconds with different pictures. I took a moment to watch them. All of the images were of her kids - playing in the mud, sleeping, eating, smiling at the camera. As I watched those images I saw the love in the photos. Obviously my friend loved these kids and had great joy in being with them. Suddenly I felt like "I got it". Like I knew why people even had kids to begin with and in a moment a switch was flicked in me, I wanted a family of my own.
Jamie and I decided to try for a baby. We said "let's have one and see how it goes". To our great surprise, we got pregnant right away. We hardly had time to get used to the idea of trying when, before we knew it, a baby was due to arrive in our home and our hearts.
I remember most of my pregnancy as being pretty good. I did have morning sickness, trouble with my feet going numb, heartburn, and back pain but that all just seemed par for the course. Around 36 weeks of pregnancy things took a turn for me. My blood pressure was up, my baby was breech and my high risk status suddenly put me in the back seat of my birthing experience. I lost all control of any kind of input I wanted for myself and my baby. Post delivery found my first few weeks as a new mother inflicted with infections and complications. My experience was what it was but it impacted me so negatively that I can honestly say it was a huge factor in considering whether or not we would have another baby. I truly believe I am not physically or emotionally strong enough to endure that level of trauma again.
My late stages of pregnancy, delivery and post pardom  aside, I loved being a new mom to Brandon. We had so many wonderful days together. I loved watching him grow and thrive. He was such a happy baby and he always brought me joy. Of course not all days were perfect but I delighted in all that he did and felt at peace with our little family.
Then I went back to work. Arg! I remember being so tired. The kind of tired that seeps into your bones and never leaves you, no matter how much sleep you get. Trying to find a balance as a working mom is not for the faint of heart. I was constantly overwhelmed. I tried to meet the needs of my growing toddler with the demands of work, marriage and life in general. Looking back, I don't even know how I did it. I was living my life in some sort of fog back then.
So when it came to considering baby number 2, it took us a while. Brandon was probably three and half when we started talking about it. Jamie seemed on the fence; he would be happy either way and I talked like I wanted another but in my heart, I knew I was done. And so that's when the guilt set in. Was it fair to Brandon that he be an only child? I loved my brother. Was it Okay to deny my child a sibling the same kind of relationship I have with my own brother? Who would Brandon turn to when Jamie and I were gone? Would he grow up to be a spoiled brat if it were only him? And then surprisingly there was a feeling of grief. I felt sad for the person I would never meet. The little one I would never hold in my arms and love to the ends of this earth. Is it right to be physically able and financially able and yet still choose not to reproduce?
Today I posted all of Brandon's baby things online. Within hours a lovely young couple came and picked up the crib, the change table, the rocker and the dresser. These were items I had been storing and holding onto for years. I liked the couple and so I was happy they could make good use of the things I had appreciated so much. I was also relieved to see my basement cleaned up and empty with so much spare room. I felt like a huge weight, one that I had been carrying for years, had suddenly been lifted. I'm ready for this. I'm ready to move on with the beautiful family I have. I want to travel and I want to re-focus on my career again. For the first time in years, I'm not tired but actually energized by all the things I hope to do.
But even as I type this, I still feel some sadness for what I know I'm missing. For what I chose to give up. I believe in fate though and if there will be another Fontaine, it will happen. Whether there's a crib waiting in the basement or not, whatever will be, will be.